'What life was like after our partners died'

  • Published
Tayler and his son Tristen
Image caption,
Tayler with his son Tristen, who is now four

Tayler Bennett says it felt like an "ache" or a "pain inside" after his fiancée Fleur died four years ago and says he just wanted it to end.

"I just felt very much on my own throughout a lot of it," he tells Newsbeat.

"I was 22 years old and all my mates were going out drinking and having a laugh."

He's been sharing his story after former England captain Rio Ferdinand lost of his wife to cancer.

There are currently 23,207 widowed men aged 49 and under in the UK, according to the Office for National Statistics.

Tayler's story

"My partner Fleur suffered with something called cystic fibrosis," says Tayler.

"We were planning for a baby. She fell pregnant. Everything went really well and then she caught the flu.

"She went down into intensive care and [my son] went upstairs into the neo-natal unit.

"After that it was just about the recovery process, but she didn't make it through.

"Fleur was just the life of the party. She was lovely and never had a bad thing to say about anyone. There's no-one else to compare to her to be honest."

Image source, AFP
Image caption,
Tayler with Fleur

Where's mummy?

"I try to take the positive out of Fleur's passing in that because [my son] was so young - he's never had that [maternal] relationship as such.

"I always talk to Tristen [about his mum]. At first it was just, 'Mummy died' and obviously he didn't understand that.

"I tried to avoid saying that she's in heaven because to him heaven could be just down the road... it could be in Kent or anywhere."

Image source, AFP

'Tristen's always asking questions about her'

"That's why I've done a memory box with photos that he can access at the end of his bed whenever he wants," he says.

"I can honestly say that I wouldn't be here now if I didn't have Tristen.

"If he'd have passed away as well, I'd be gone."

This is something he says he's never said out loud before.

"I've never told anyone this... not even my mum and dad.

"I was in the bathroom and I was on the floor crying and the ache and the pain and the tearing inside, I just wanted it to end.

"I just thought of Tristen and thought, 'That's my little man and I have to get through it for him.'"

Image source, AFP

Greig's story

"I was 28 years old when I lost my girlfriend Natalie," says Greig.

"She'd just had our first child on Christmas Day and she got ill on Boxing Day and went into intensive care.

Image source, AFP
Image caption,
Greig and his girlfriend Natalie

"We didn't know at the time what was wrong but it turned out it was meningitis."

'As soon as Natalie died, I was on autopilot'

"Me and Natalie met at a friend's 21st birthday party. I was a very lucky guy - she was a beautiful girl; intelligent and caring.

"For me, as soon as Natalie died, I was on autopilot.

"I wasn't grieving at first with the funeral and everything but it was like I was grieving for Aden, you know... he never gets to meet his mother.

"Aden asks a lot about [his mum] now, probably in the last year he's started saying, 'Where's my mummy?'

"We do say to him that mummy's in heaven and he's never asked to go there."

Image source, AFP

Support

Both men got support for their grief, Greig from the charity Widowed And Young.

"I'm an open guy," he says. "I can talk about anything but when it come to this it just felt like half of me shut down and although I could talk I was stopping myself because I just didn't know what to do.

"It felt like there was no-one in the world that was going through what I was going through at the time.

"Maybe if it was easier for people to know that there are other people going through the same."

You can look at these BBC Advice pages on dealing with grief.

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