Alexis Sanchez/InstagramA guide for football fans on surviving the summer
There are eight long weeks to go until a top-flight club kick a meaningful 2017-18 ball. If only there was a handy week-by-week guide, specifically designed to help confused, lost football fans through the summer of an odd-numbered year where there’s no major tournament...
Week One: 12 - 18 June
A merciful start. We’re parachuted into the competitive football void with some World Cup qualifiers (until you’re reminded just how much of an ordeal it is to watch England), followed by some rather less interesting friendlies. Belarus v New Zealand, anyone?
Fortunately, though, this week includes one of the most important days of the pre-season calendar: the Premier League fixtures are announced on Wednesday, 14 June.
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A mere administrative formality, you’d think, but no: who are your team playing on the opening day? The final day? When’s the first derby? Who are a buzzing Huddersfield beating 1-0 in their first ever Premier League game? These things are important.
Week Two: 19 - 25 June
This is normally where the real struggle begins, but 2017 is the year of England's upcoming stars, and there’s potential for pride in the Three Lions all over the shop.
The success story could well reach a climax in Poland, where the England Under-21s are aiming for European Championship glory to add to the under-20s’ World Cup. Here they are lifting that trophy...
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After that, the real challenge begins: getting a single minute of Premier League football next season. Still, for now, they’re available for your patriotic summer entertainment.
Week Three: 26 June - 2 July
This is going to be a breeze after all! Week three begins with the first steps on the long road to the Champions League final in Kiev: the mighty SP La Fiorita (San Marino), FC Santa Coloma (Andorra) and Europa FC (great name, Gibraltar) all dreaming of the group stages and a glamorous away trip to... Ludogorets Razgrad.
No major tournament this summer? Tell that to Fifa, whose Confederations Cup (basically, a travel-size World Cup) reaches its deciding game on the 2 July. Alexis Sanchez, a man who doesn’t understand the meaning of the word 'rest', will be there with Chile, as will Cristiano Ronaldo and Portugal.
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Like this beach towel, it could be a low-key classic.
Week Four: 3 - 9 July
It’s the under-19s’ turn to do their country proud - they’re in Georgia for their European Championships. It’ll be tough for the likes of Ryan Sessegnon, Reece Oxford and Isaac Buckley-Ricketts, though: they’re in a 'Group of Death' with Germany, Holland and Bulgaria.
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Halfway through the gruelling summer then, but one question stands out: just how many England age groups are there?!
Week Five: 10 - 16 July
Before you know it, the big guns are dragging themselves off their private yachts and beaches for the long-haul business of pre-season friendlies.
Arsenal will be playing twice in 24 hours in Sydney to blow their cobwebs away, Manchester United are in California to face LA Galaxy, and Everton are playing Kenyan giants Gor Mahia FC in Tanzania (nope, no idea.)
Huddersfield have an exotic trip of their own, meanwhile: they’re taking on Accrington Stanley at the Wham Stadium.
Week Six: 17th - 23rd July
England’s bid for world domination continues in mid-July with the Uefa Women’s Euro 2017 in the Netherlands. The Lionesses are looking to build on their efforts at the 2015 World Cup, where they finished third, and they’ll kick off against local rivals Scotland in the group stages.
The seedings suggest England are on course to meet Germany in the semi-finals - and we all know how that usually goes...
Week Seven: 24 - 30 July
It’s the big one! It’s the International Champions Cup! The tournament with the worst name-to-importance ratio in football history. Once again, just to confuse things, it’s spread all over the world - in the USA, China and Singapore.
There are too many mouthwatering match-ups to name, and we can all look forward to reading far too much into every result from venues like the Hard Rock Stadium in Miami and the Longgang Stadium in Shenzhen.
The overall winners - whoever they are - will be crowned Champions of the Entire Universe, Sponsored By Somebody or Other™.
Week Eight: 31 July - 6 August
You’ve done it! You’ve made it through almost two months without football, by virtue of watching lots of football. Now it’s time for the main event: specifically, arguing about whether the Community Shield counts as a trophy.
A mere 71 days after they brought down the curtain on their domestic season with the FA Cup final at Wembley, Chelsea and Arsenal are back to open it again.
Phew. You’ll probably need a holiday after all that.
